In July I celebrated my 27th birthday, which for me is always a time for reflection and setting new goals.
Somehow it felt a bit different this time around…
On paper, I had an absolutely grand year. I had checked off most of my goals and did what I told myself I will do.
And here I was yet again with my pen to paper plotting the next 365 days under the sun.
Everything that I had accomplished already felt like the benchmark.
And I’m not talking only about physical accolades.
Also, my mental, emotional and spiritual growth seemed entry-level and required an upgrade.
This is all subjective of course, but from my perspective, I improved, yet I had somehow missed the celebration.
I was already busy planning the next party.
This was the first time in my life, it truly hit home for me, that there is no goal and no milestone, that will ever fulfill me after I get it done.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination!’
Intellectually I was well aware of this cringe-bomb.
Subconsciously though I still believed that after this and that is achieved I will gradually move to blissful Zen-like peace with no problems.
A pain-free zone with way less suffering.
In reality, all my hard work brought me more hard work, and my problems….well they just became better problems to deal with.
As I was planning my next goals I understood deeply that what I was really doing is choosing my suffering, which ironically is my only way to true salvation.
Do you get what I mean?
The suffering = The journey.
And the journey (not the goal) is the happy you.
The irony is that the more we wish to be happy and feel better by setting the next BIG GOAL, the less satisfied we become, as WANTING something only reinforces the fact that we lack it in the first place (the backward law).
I become less happy when I tried really hard to be happy.
In hindsight embracing discomfort and pain is what brought me fulfillment.
Similarly, if you desire more freedom all the time you are boxing yourself in. You can only feel free by having self-discipline in your life. By choosing and committing to certain ‘hard’ things in life, which allow you to live free (here is Jocko Willink talking about this idea).
So we shouldn’t set goals?
No, I think goals are fine for setting direction in life, but they don't really matter that much from a broader perspective.
You see, we all set relatively similar goals.
All my brothers want Bradd Pitt’s Fight Club abs and a fat wallet.
And the ladies…well the ladies want THAT man, they want a healthy and happy family, and they want to look and feel beautiful inside and out.
But if setting goals was the answer, we would all be rich, fit, and happy.
The problem with a goals-first mentality is that you’re continually putting happiness off until the next milestone.
When I have six zeros in my bank and a six-pack I will give myself permission to be happy.
I hate to break it to you, but it simply doesn't work like that… once you arrive at the finish line, no matter how big the accomplishment, you’ll always have the next thing on your mind sooner or later.
The cycle never ends and the mind (ego) always keeps wanting more.
If you ever think you are going to stop climbing you are missing the whole point.
So I started thinking a bit differently about my next year.
James Clear, the author of ‘Atomic Habits’ states that it’s not about the goals, it’s about the systems behind the goals.
With a system, he means the non-negotiable set of activities you do every single day towards your goals.
‘You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.’
If you just focused on the right set of activities and not the goal, you would still crush it.
I agree with system-thinking 100%, but I think there is another very important question that you need to ask yourself before you build out your systems.
Are you willing to suffer for this goal?
Everybody wants to feel good.
Everybody wants to be happy, look like a snack, fall in love, have tremendous sex, and make money from an online business while they sleep.
Heck, for all of my adolescence I wanted to be in the NBA.
I wanted to hit game-winners, dunk on people, travel the world, give interviews, and have people cheering me on wherever I go.
But was I willing to give everything else up just to give myself a chance to make it?
Don’t get me wrong, I did also put in a considerable amount of work in my craft, so I could still cook you up nicely, but in the grand scheme of things I was in love with the reward, and not in love with the struggle.
There are millions of kids who play basketball around the world and only around 450 of them make it to the NBA.
When you start choking on your own vomit during hill sprints or play through a sprained ankle for weeks on end, you will start asking questions to yourself.
And you better be willing to endure the suffering, otherwise, who are you kidding?
There are only 450 spots.
People who enjoy the discipline of eating right and working out in the gym, are the ones who run ultras, have melon-sized biceps, and can bench-press a small car.
People who are willing to work the weekends, solve tedious problems and take risks are the ones who build meaningful businesses and make the money printer {Go Brrr}.
And their problems…they never go away José - they simply improve with time.
If you are rich, you will deal with rich people's problems. If you don’t have a cent to your name, you will deal with poverty.
In either case, happiness comes from puzzling these problems out.
Fulfillment doesn’t just magically appear like a rainbow in the sky.
Lifelong joy and peace come from dealing with your struggles head-on.
Life is suffering.
Once you accept that fully life is no longer suffering. It’s just life.
Avoidance of suffering is suffering. Avoidance of struggle is a struggle.
When you accept that pain is THE key element of your journey, you become unstoppable in a lowkey Buddhist-like fashion.
You move through life with greater ease and embrace the challenges that come your way because you know that The Obstacle Is The Way.
There’s a great book by Albert E.N. Gray called The Common Denominator of Success, which I think perfectly describes what differentiates the people who achieve great feats in life.
The common denominator of success—the secret of success of every person who has ever been successful— lies in the fact that “THEY FORMED THE HABIT OF DOING THINGS THAT FAILURES DON’T LIKE TO DO.”
It’s that simple.
If you want to have a great love relationship, you will have to develop a habit of being transparent and vulnerable, and there is nothing pleasurable in shedding light on all your weaknesses.
You have to learn to serve the other person when you are tired as hell.
You have to learn to listen and respond by keeping your ego in check.
The same applies to literally every single area of your life. To be great, you’ll have to do some things that you don’t like doing and you will suffer. Are you willing to accept that?
Ultimately I think that’s what self-love is.
When you embrace discomfort and develop self-discipline in areas that you care most about, you are choosing delayed gratification, which is much more meaningful and fulfilling to you in the long run.
When you do that, you are subconsciously telling yourself that you care about yourself, which leads to deep self-love from which you can create miracles.
Quick pleasures are never aligned with your goals!
Of course, you would devour that slice of pizza with your friends. The mix of crust and cheese melting together in your mouth would definitely provide a momentary orgasm, but if your GOAL was to shed off fat for the summer you would soon feel pretty shitty about yourself. And then eat another one.
By having self-discipline (self-love) at that moment you choose the suffering and say ‘No thank you!’
So what’s the purpose of this letter?
I want to encourage you to accept & embrace the suffering in your life as if you had chosen it. You need it!
On your way to your goals, you will receive the same lessons until you pass the test.
The suffering is the door to true happiness and the journey will never end.
Love,
Maksis
Great read and an even greater peek into your inner world. Thank you for sharing. Also, such a post from my brother definitely leaves a greater impact on me than hearing these ‘It’s about the journey, not the destination!’ things from some american dude who’s face I’ve only soon on youtube. Excited to read more when you’re ready to share more.
Love 🙏🏽
Bro, this hit different level!
Sending love to all your closest ones!